Tinky Winky on Jerry Falwell

The following is an editorial that was said to run on the New York Times but was retracted by its writer

Jerry Falwell
By Tinky Winky

A few weeks ago the reverend Jerry Falwell passed away leaving an space difficult to fill by the current crop of crazy conservative and homophobic white males out there. His remarks were a boost to our ratings and merchandise. It also allowed us to tap into a new market (gays) and introduced new products (the tinky winky vibrator, La las purse of pleasure and Po's furry whip) which sold exceptionally well.

Jerry questioned my sexual orientation as an entertainer. His remarks were irrational and scandalous. The equivalent of stating the length of the Popes’ penis (by the way 7 inches).

I did not take this personally. After all I am gay and so are the other teletubbies. Yet our sexual orientation has nothing to deal with entertainment that we provide children. No one questioned The Wiggles when they started their show. Their show is even more blatantly gay than ours! Their character, Captain Feathersword is proof enough. Jerry couldn’t pick on them since those four guys would have shown up at his house and kicked his bigoted ass. No, Jerry had to pick on my purpleness and my triangle to appear to be straight and hide his obvious homosexuality.

Now that Jerry has passed away I hope that he is in a restfull and peaceful place where he can be sodomized by 10 inch cartoon-like penises. Whether that is heaven or hell for Jerry…only he will know.

Diego saves a Coyote

Hola amigos!

It is me, Diego. I am a rescuer. Let me tell you about my last rescue. I rescued a Coyote.

I heard the sound “auxilio” as I was doing my medicinal marijuana delivery to my abuela. Mi papa grows all of these plants to help people who cannot eat. Mami and Papi love their garden a lot. I am not allowed to go in there. My sister Alicia sneaks in with her friends from time to time. There is usually a lot of giggling. The first time she did that I thought she was imitating a red eyed frog. They are very common around here and we had just shot an episode about these beautiful animals. Her “ojos” were very red.

As I was on my way I heard the sound. Quickly I hid the stash inside my rescue pack in order not to lose the medicine. My papa would beat me with the belt if I did that. I still have marks on my back from the last time.

I walked toward the yells and there was a Mexican Coyote with its “pollos”. The Mexican Coyote was trying to cross the border and the new fence was not letting him. The “pollos” were already dehydrating since they had given all of their money to him. The Coyote had gotten lost and couldn’t find the right hole on the fence to cross to America. Usually the Coyote kills the "pollos", but not this time. Diego the rescuer was here!

I quickly called on my rescue pack and it turned into a ladder. The Coyote and the “pollos” were very happy that I was helping them. Some of the “pollos” had blisters on their feet and were in desperate need of a bath.

Suddenly one of the “pollos” started yelling: “Migra!”, “Migra” and the “pollos” started running in all directions. My papa had always told me to find a bush and hide until the Migra goes away. This time it took the Migra a long time to go away. They caught three “pollos” while the rest ran away. The Coyote was very grateful to me for having rescued him and gave me the money of the caught “pollos.” Could you imagine that I made $9000 dollars for just helping him? El Coyote was muy bueno!

Barney and Fred write to Dick

Barney Rubble and Fred Flinstone:
An open letter to Dick Cheney.

Dear Dick,

It is obvious that your actions, mannerisms and speech patterns are cartonish at best. However, you’ve had business experience just like us. Our success of having the best selling cereal and having children addicted has been the driving force of our empire. It brings us joy when a toddler throws a tantrum in the middle of the cereal aisle wanting our products. Your advice on introducing highly hydrogenated corn particles covered with artificial flavoring and excessive amounts of sugars have made us a leader in cereal technology.

We write to you because our concern about your energy policy. Fossil Fuels are not the way of the future. We strongly advocate the return to foot powered vehicles. This technology is cost effective, provides zero emissions (unless you ate chili or visited taco bell) and can make the American automotive industry competitive again.

By the way how is your daughter doing? Betty and Wilma keep asking about her. I mean those gals really liked their sleepovers.

Returning to the point…Barney and I believe that a return to stone cylinder tires can boost the American economy. Since we are rich in rocky natural resources by using naturalization camps where illegal immigrants can shape the rock and wood parts of these vehicles by hand therefore setting a new standard of craftsmanship unparalleled in American history.

Please take this into consideration. We hope to hear from you.

Sincerely,

Barney and Fred

An invitation from Pepe LePew

Hellou my reader, it is I, Pepe LePew the animated skunk. If you remember my cartoons you will remember how I was always chasing what turned out to be a female cat and not a skunk. She told me she was a skunk and I was surprised to find out she wasn’t when we were about to be intimate. I kicked her out of my chateau since a passionate skunk like me knows what he wants. My time of experimenting with other breeds ended up some time ago…just ask Tom and Jerry.

Well, later on I find out that the little pussy placed a claim for sexual harassment, battery and rape. We went to court and being French in the United States did not help much. Needless to say I was found guilty and sent to jail for a long time. I was just trying to get some tail by who I thought was a heterosexual skunk turning out to be a transvestite cat. The payment of damages sent me to bankruptcy. With all of this going on life could not get any darker. But it did.

I will not write about the experiences that I went through in jail. I was forced many times to submit to some dog or some cat. I became the toy and amusement of the prison. My situation was so grim that I started shedding the hair in my tail leaving it bald. The sexual attacks ended but I was convinced that my life was hopeless. Then, I found him: Christ.

I have embraced Christ as my savior and lord. Have you? I now realize the wickedness of my ways and how my French heritage contributed to my perversions and addictions. Christ is king! Christ is lord! Amen. I am still working on my repentance.

I hope that you and your family tune in to my new animated TV show: “The Pepe LePew Hour of Power”. In my show cartoon celebrities and common individuals will witness the power of the lord through me. Do not be discouraged by the fainting since that is just the invisible aroma of the Holy Spirit acting through me. Red Kool Aid will be served at the end of each taping. I hope you join me.

Yours truly,

Pepe LePew

Dear Burt...

Dear Burt:

I am leaving you.

After all these years it is clear to me that I can’t be with you anymore for the reasons that I will try to describe on this letter.

You see, at the beginning being in a gay relationship was cool. It was the 70’s and you with your conservative ways were a delicious treat to corrupt. Don’t get me wrong the pleasure you gave me was incredible. I never in my wildest dreams thought that a yellow cone head like you would be so well endowed, full of passion and fur. The wild parties at our apartment with Grover and Cookie Monster, smoking weed and having those orgies (before they broke up) will forever be in my memory.

As time has passed I’ve grown tired of having to be the outgoing, funny one. I cannot tolerate anymore sarcasm from you because when you say it so seriously and I look at your unibrow I wonder why am I with you. More than a few times I’ve thought of calling the Fab 5 at Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (although you are not straight) to help you. Your clothes are not one decade behind, try three. Three decades behind. You haven’t heard of GAP or banana republic? I’ve tried to expose you to this. The most mortifying thing is your hair. Punk is dead and you were never one. It is embarrassing to be out in public and hear comments like: “Hey look a walking pineapple with ears!”
On top of all this, your jealousy toward big bird which at one time was unfounded and ridiculous now it’s true. I got tired of not getting the reach around and waiting for the Viagra to “kick in”. I cannot stomach seeing you behind me through our ceiling mirror. You look like a tired furry banana. Trust me, your banana does not satisfy me anymore. This will make you furious but the truth is that Big Bird and I have been together for sometime now. …And let me tell you they don’t call him Big Bird for nothing!

After all we’ve been through it is only fair that I write the truth about what I feel. I hope you understand. I will return for my things on a time when you are not home. Rubber Ducky and I will be gone for a while since I will need to heal as much as you would.

Take care,

Ernie.

Ps. What is your last name?

Boots is waiting

You might know me as Boots the Monkey in Dora the Explorer. I have to tell you folks that this is not the life. It is true that the little brown one (Dora) shaved the end of my tail and made me wear these nasty pink boots but hey, she pays the salary. Hell, I’ll even wear a tu-tu or a diaper if she wanted me to...I’m just waiting my time.

I’m her bitch on TV. You would too if you were paid what I get paid and have gone through what I’ve gone through. Besides, have you seen my relatives? These bastards are still hanging from trees, eating bananas and picking each others fleas. Screw that! I am rolling on a Benz eating stuffed flea mushrooms and smoking my grass. This is the life. No more public housing (trees) in the park. You won’t see this monkey eating or touching his own feces…I have a personal wiper, his name is Burt.

Let me be clear. I don’t like Dora. Don’t worry…one day she will get hers. My gorilla cousins will take care of that because revenge will be swift. When I started working for her it was cool until she wanted me to wear those f#@king pink boots. I said…”Hell, no beatch!” and threw them at her face. I remember a few things after that. It all happened so quickly. She ducked taped my mouth, stuffed me into her backpack who kept saying “Oh shit…you are going to get the “treatment”, darkness and a lot of pain from what I can only describe as some non-stop kicking. I kept coming in and out of conciousness hearing things like “Are you gonna wear them? Huh?!” Quien manda aqui? (Who’s the boss here?)…Then there was the buzzing sound of the electric razor. She whispered to me that she was going to shave me “down there” but I passed out. She only shaved my tail.

Right now, I am just waiting for my time. I know her cousin got his own TV show and that is another twisted story. But one day, on one episode, Dora is going to be missing and we will have a few seasons on trying to find Dora. She will “disappear” and me and the other characters will have to look for her. The Map is in on it so he will make sure her remains are never found making it exciting for kids and the evidence never to be found. In the meantime I’ll keep getting paid…and waiting my time.

Blues Father...Chuy

NOGGIN will be celebrating 10 years of Blues Clues even though your pre-schooler has no idea what he ate an hour ago. In celebration of the 10 year celebration the show is introducing Blues Brother. That’s right! Another profit generating mutt for Nick Jr.
Why does Blue need to have a brother? Its because of his father, a dog named Chuy.

Chuy was a black dog that used to work as an extra on different comedy shows and commercials for TV. Straight from the SPCA hood, his best work was on the movie Something about Mary…he was the dog inside the cast. He also won critical acclaim in the movie Amores Perros by playing himself.

Chuy had several brief affairs with various “bitches” including the dog from Frasier, Madonnas’ chihuhua and the monkey from Friends. Blue was Chuy’s first “recognized” son…of a bitch and made millions managing the career of Blue. One of the reasons why Steve Burns left the show (the guy that has nothing to do all day but figure out Blues Fricking Clues) was because of Chuy. It turns out Chuy bit Steve on his left butt cheek during an after party at Snoop Dog’s suite after the MtvVideoMusicAwards. Chuy called Steve his “bitch” as to which Steve made fun of his son Blue as being retarded because he couldn’t bark, has a speech impediment and always “did his business” on the thinking chair. It took two security guards to retrieve Chuy off Steve’s buttocks.

After personnel changes and millions of dollars at stake in syndication and merchandising the longevity of the Blue’s Clues franchise was at stake. Introduce Chuy’s new marketing campaign in Noggins': Red, White and Blue, a month long Blues Clues celebration where Blue’s Brother will be introduced.

Details about Blue’s brother pedigree are vague. We know that he is a dog, however there is speculation that Blues’ brother could be a Chihuahua in order to compete with Dora, The Explorer and Diego (from Go, Diego Go)who have been showcasing bilingual talking animals and taking a bite out of Blues Clues profits. It is expected that Blues Clues and Noggins’ share profits increase after the month of July.