Dear Burt...

Dear Burt:

I am leaving you.

After all these years it is clear to me that I can’t be with you anymore for the reasons that I will try to describe on this letter.

You see, at the beginning being in a gay relationship was cool. It was the 70’s and you with your conservative ways were a delicious treat to corrupt. Don’t get me wrong the pleasure you gave me was incredible. I never in my wildest dreams thought that a yellow cone head like you would be so well endowed, full of passion and fur. The wild parties at our apartment with Grover and Cookie Monster, smoking weed and having those orgies (before they broke up) will forever be in my memory.

As time has passed I’ve grown tired of having to be the outgoing, funny one. I cannot tolerate anymore sarcasm from you because when you say it so seriously and I look at your unibrow I wonder why am I with you. More than a few times I’ve thought of calling the Fab 5 at Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (although you are not straight) to help you. Your clothes are not one decade behind, try three. Three decades behind. You haven’t heard of GAP or banana republic? I’ve tried to expose you to this. The most mortifying thing is your hair. Punk is dead and you were never one. It is embarrassing to be out in public and hear comments like: “Hey look a walking pineapple with ears!”
On top of all this, your jealousy toward big bird which at one time was unfounded and ridiculous now it’s true. I got tired of not getting the reach around and waiting for the Viagra to “kick in”. I cannot stomach seeing you behind me through our ceiling mirror. You look like a tired furry banana. Trust me, your banana does not satisfy me anymore. This will make you furious but the truth is that Big Bird and I have been together for sometime now. …And let me tell you they don’t call him Big Bird for nothing!

After all we’ve been through it is only fair that I write the truth about what I feel. I hope you understand. I will return for my things on a time when you are not home. Rubber Ducky and I will be gone for a while since I will need to heal as much as you would.

Take care,

Ernie.

Ps. What is your last name?