Boots is waiting

You might know me as Boots the Monkey in Dora the Explorer. I have to tell you folks that this is not the life. It is true that the little brown one (Dora) shaved the end of my tail and made me wear these nasty pink boots but hey, she pays the salary. Hell, I’ll even wear a tu-tu or a diaper if she wanted me to...I’m just waiting my time.

I’m her bitch on TV. You would too if you were paid what I get paid and have gone through what I’ve gone through. Besides, have you seen my relatives? These bastards are still hanging from trees, eating bananas and picking each others fleas. Screw that! I am rolling on a Benz eating stuffed flea mushrooms and smoking my grass. This is the life. No more public housing (trees) in the park. You won’t see this monkey eating or touching his own feces…I have a personal wiper, his name is Burt.

Let me be clear. I don’t like Dora. Don’t worry…one day she will get hers. My gorilla cousins will take care of that because revenge will be swift. When I started working for her it was cool until she wanted me to wear those f#@king pink boots. I said…”Hell, no beatch!” and threw them at her face. I remember a few things after that. It all happened so quickly. She ducked taped my mouth, stuffed me into her backpack who kept saying “Oh shit…you are going to get the “treatment”, darkness and a lot of pain from what I can only describe as some non-stop kicking. I kept coming in and out of conciousness hearing things like “Are you gonna wear them? Huh?!” Quien manda aqui? (Who’s the boss here?)…Then there was the buzzing sound of the electric razor. She whispered to me that she was going to shave me “down there” but I passed out. She only shaved my tail.

Right now, I am just waiting for my time. I know her cousin got his own TV show and that is another twisted story. But one day, on one episode, Dora is going to be missing and we will have a few seasons on trying to find Dora. She will “disappear” and me and the other characters will have to look for her. The Map is in on it so he will make sure her remains are never found making it exciting for kids and the evidence never to be found. In the meantime I’ll keep getting paid…and waiting my time.

Blues Father...Chuy

NOGGIN will be celebrating 10 years of Blues Clues even though your pre-schooler has no idea what he ate an hour ago. In celebration of the 10 year celebration the show is introducing Blues Brother. That’s right! Another profit generating mutt for Nick Jr.
Why does Blue need to have a brother? Its because of his father, a dog named Chuy.

Chuy was a black dog that used to work as an extra on different comedy shows and commercials for TV. Straight from the SPCA hood, his best work was on the movie Something about Mary…he was the dog inside the cast. He also won critical acclaim in the movie Amores Perros by playing himself.

Chuy had several brief affairs with various “bitches” including the dog from Frasier, Madonnas’ chihuhua and the monkey from Friends. Blue was Chuy’s first “recognized” son…of a bitch and made millions managing the career of Blue. One of the reasons why Steve Burns left the show (the guy that has nothing to do all day but figure out Blues Fricking Clues) was because of Chuy. It turns out Chuy bit Steve on his left butt cheek during an after party at Snoop Dog’s suite after the MtvVideoMusicAwards. Chuy called Steve his “bitch” as to which Steve made fun of his son Blue as being retarded because he couldn’t bark, has a speech impediment and always “did his business” on the thinking chair. It took two security guards to retrieve Chuy off Steve’s buttocks.

After personnel changes and millions of dollars at stake in syndication and merchandising the longevity of the Blue’s Clues franchise was at stake. Introduce Chuy’s new marketing campaign in Noggins': Red, White and Blue, a month long Blues Clues celebration where Blue’s Brother will be introduced.

Details about Blue’s brother pedigree are vague. We know that he is a dog, however there is speculation that Blues’ brother could be a Chihuahua in order to compete with Dora, The Explorer and Diego (from Go, Diego Go)who have been showcasing bilingual talking animals and taking a bite out of Blues Clues profits. It is expected that Blues Clues and Noggins’ share profits increase after the month of July.

Barney's Suicide Note

By the time you get to read this I will be dead. More than likely someone will take my place inside the costume and knowing the cheap bastard producers will not even clean the inside of the costume for the next sucker that wears the suit. I haven't taken a shower for a week and I've been wearing the suit commando style...payback is a bitch.

My name is Carlos and I had just graduated from college when one low life producer asked me if I was interested on fame and making money by subliminally holding hostage the intellectual development of children and direct it toward the purchase and consumerism of merchandise of "The Purple One" Barney. I was broke and didn't have any kids. I agreed.

The name Barney comes from the first guy that wore the suit, Barney Mitchel. I don't know much about what happened to him except that he is isolated in a mental institution. The suit smelled like him.

I cannot take the idea of continuing this farce of an existence. The suit is itchy. Baby Bop (Marissa Clark) and BJ (Tymothy Clark) are two retarded midget siblings that can move very well on those suits. All voices are dubbed (that is why you can't hear my heavy accent particularly when I mess up a song and I curse). I can't deal with them and seeing how the producers beat them when they don't perform right its just too much to bear.

Being Barney is a lonely existence. The kids are mean. They are mean because they are "farmed". If you notice closely those little bastards are allowed to performed after the parents pay hefty amounts to the producers. I cannot say anything about this since the day that I found a scorpion inside the suit with a note to keep quiet about the practice (I found the scorpion in the middle of a taping. They kept the footage and named the episode "Electric Dancing Barney". Anyway...the kids turn beligerant and nasty. The often refuse to sing or dance unless there is more pay, Red Bull energy drinks and or more lines for them. When the producers "retire" the children they bring the ones that are "playing" in the background of the episodes. They start them early often using psychological manipulation and food deprivation to submit them into the singing of those mind numbing songs.

My life has no meaning. I sing and move and my voice is not heard. I have no dating life since who would date or want to sleep with a guy that at any moment (a nervous tick I developed) will sing "I love you, you love me" or "The bear went over the mountain" I've developed scabs in my arms and groin area because of the suit too. I wish I was animated, but somehow all those fricking rugrats want to hug Barney. Do you know how many times I've been hit in the testicles? I doubt I can reproduce.

An existence like this is unbereable.

Dora's Parents

I love Dora the Explorer. No other character on TV has the bilingual skills and niceness that Dora has. Could you imagine Dora crying? I don't think so. It would be so depressing you would find yourself crying in front of the TV questioning who was the son of a bitch that made her cry. Admit it. Dora is just adorable.
Dora's parents are Brujos (have mystical ancient indigenous magical powers i.e. witches) That's right. BRUJOS. The evidence of Doras' parent brujeria skills come from giving Dora a fricking backpack that not only talks but its also bilingual just like Dora. Its almost as if the backpack and Dora are symbiotic. The most definitive proof that Dora's backpack is influenced by indigenous magic is its ability to carry anything. ANYTHING. Now...being latinos I don't think that Dora's parents thought this through very well. We know that Dora is adorable and a very good girl, but a backpack that carries anything? That is a little bit too much power for the little brown one. What would stop Dora from getting a cattle prod and try it on Boots the monkey to see how it screams? Dora gets stopped by INS? BAM! Dora can furnish a Social Security card from the backpack (don't freak out Dora is a US citizen. How else could she get a syndicated show like hers on TV?)
More surprising is the map inside the backpack. The map sings this very annoying song declaring "I'm the map" over and over again demonstrating that he has identity and self esteem issues. This gringo sounding map (he doesn't speak spanish because if he did maybe he wouldn't find his way) is a step above GPS, TomTom and OnStar. The map is able to guide Dora everywhere including inside books which is pretty awesome. Only brujos would come up with a talking map that goes inside a talking backpack. Dora's parents came up with this safeguard in order to avoid the usual excuses that children come up with. This is what happened when Dora was missing for sometime and her mom yelled and screamed for her.
Mom(angry and scowling with broomstick at hand!)
-"Dora! Donde estabas? (Where were you?!)
Dora: -"I was playing with Boots and I got lost"
Mom: -Oh yeah...and how come you didn't use the map?" Don't tell me that you don't know how to use that damn map. It talks to you and I know the map would not lie to me because I would burn him..."
(Dora received a "woopin" with the broomstick for lying and was sent to her room without backpack.)

There you have it. Dora's mom and dad are brujos. Which means that more than likely Dora is a bruja.